I’m pregnant! The most exciting news I can possibly share with my husband – yet twice I’ve had to say – “I’m losing the baby”. The most gut wrenching words I’ve ever had to utter.
I remember both times like it was yesterday. Last July being the first.
For several days I had had a strong feeling that I was pregnant. Then one Friday night I had a dream of a positive pregnancy test – and yet the following morning I started spotting.
I knew that it was an early miscarriage and yet I decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test – I just couldn’t bear living with the “what if”. What if it was just aunt flow, but what if it was more than that. I couldn’t bear to have the unanswered questions. I immediately took that test and there it was, the line I anticipated and now dreaded. I proceeded to take a few more that day – and they all came back positive. I immediately contacted my OB and asked for a prescription of progesterone. Had low levels been my issue this could’ve saved our baby; had it been something else, I could at least look back knowing I tried all I could. This was Saturday morning. Monday I went in for a blood draw and the results came back as negative. I had lost our baby of only 3.5 weeks. A baby that I had already grown so attached to. A baby that I loved with all my heart. A baby the rest of the world wouldn’t know existed, and many wouldn’t even believe existed for the short time he or she did. But the thing was, they did exist. They lived in me for such a short while, yet they left an everlasting impression on my heart.
So many emotions ran through my mind. What do I do now? Do I talk about our little one? Do I keep it private? Bar EM and my closest friends, no one knew. Not even my own mom. (sorry if you’re finding out now). It just hurt too much to talk about! So I didn’t. I tried to go on with life as normal, yet I now carried a weight on my heart that wasnt previously there.
August rolled around and my 27th birthday was finally here! Not even 2 weeks later and we found out that I had conceived on my birthday. What a perfect gift!
I took countless tests, thinking maybe I was only seeing lines where there weren’t any. But two digital tests later and this mama was convinced! We were pregnant again and the womb that felt so empty just a few weeks before, felt whole again. We passed 4 weeks and it felt like I was in the clear. Then just a week later the spotting began. Friends tried reassuring me that spotting was normal early on. However, it wasnt for me. I knew this wasnt good and I immediately broke down. I couldn’t lose another! I called my OB who scheduled a blood draw, only to discover that once again, this time at 5 weeks, another little saint joined the ranks in heaven.
Twice now, twice I had felt the indescribable joy of finding out we were expecting and twice I had felt the bitter pain of loss.
Sadly, there are many mamas out there who have lost many more than I, and many who have lost at far later stages of pregnancy. To those mama’s my heart goes out to you! In ways words cannot describe, my heart feels part of your pain.
I can quite easily say I had never in my life been mad at God. Yet in those moments of darkness, I was mad! I was so incredibly mad!
I didn’t want to try again, and I didn’t want to think about getting pregnant for quite a while after that. However God had other plans. I knew deep down I wanted another baby, but the pain I was feeling was keeping me from seeing any light. Then just another month later…I got a positive blood test. After a week of going in to make sure my hormone levels doubled, I was definitely pregnant. I was never more excited nor more scared!
It was the most overwhelming flood of emotions! Then 20 weeks later we found out we were having our first baby girl! A girl I had always dreamed of! A girl who had become our rainbow after two storms!
Miscarriage is a pain that many won’t ever experience, and a pain many will never be able to articulate – but it is a pain that is shared by so many others. In that pain comes a strength I never knew I had. In that pain, I have found ways to enjoy each moment with my kids, even on the most difficult of days. Because life is so incredibly precious and yet so incredibly fragile.
I have been wanting to write this post for quite some time – but didn’t think I would actually muster up the courage to do so. But this isn’t for me. This is for the many other moms and dads out there who have experienced that silent loss. That loss most others won’t ever fully understand. You are not alone and your little one is never forgotten.